“We never really grow up. We just learn how to act in public.” ~ Bryan White
Maybe I was ignorant as a child (aren’t we all?), and maybe I was still ignorant as a teen (aren’t we all?), but it was only later in life that I learnt that most interactions in public are pure performance. And like most realistic realizations about the world – this saddened me. For consciously, and unconsciously, I now act in public; consciously controlling my facial expressions, my body movements, and my speech.
Constantly seeing how others see you isn’t a bad thing, but you end up controlling yourself from being completely honest; you remain quiet rather than saying you don’t understand, you lie in order to not hurt the other, all-in-all you’re phoney… you play a role at all times – the teammate, the friend, the co-worker, the polite chit-chatter, the neutral diplomat.
Why I’m saddened by this is because I find that the most authentic people are the people who are either unaware of the play that is called public life (the ignorant and dunce), or those who, being stronger than us all, have chosen to not take part in the play by doing the exact opposite of what’s expected. But the latter is still in a way being controlled; Acting counter to the play still means that the play controls their actions (their actions are all reactions, what happens when there’s no play to be counter too?)
But the people who I truly admire are those that, like the rebels and conformers, have noticed the play that is daily life, but are unaffected by it like the dunces of the world.
Those who see the rules society has built but still live by their own.
They don’t make their decisions based on the rules of society, or of going against society, they do it for personal reasons, whether their personal reasons align with society’s doesn’t affect that much. They don’t care less about society, but they have a personal understanding of themselves that’s so strong that all of society’s written and unwritten rules come second.
These are the types of people who would help out ‘the other side’ in a segregated community. These are the types of people who would never conform unless conforming in that moment aligned with their personal self. They’re not rebels, they’re not conformers – they’re… just. They don’t stand for or against to be seen in a certain light by others.
Jeff ‘The Dude’ Lebowski from The Big Lebowski movie is one of the best examples I can think of. He’s not rebelling against anything at all, but he’s also not conforming, he’s just… being. He looks like the most carefree person on the planet; he’s a big kid with no worries, and when most people watch the movie they wish their lives were as free as his.
In a way we all have a bit of Jeff “The Dude” Lebowski in us. We all have those moments in our lives where we’re truly ourselves – no acting, and these moments are usually found when we’re home, alone. We don’t wear clothes to show off when we’re at home alone, we don’t eat politely to be seen as polite, we don’t act like we’re beings who don’t fart or poop, and we definitely don’t wear makeup if we’re home alone with nowhere to go. We’re free at home. And the more freer you feel being home alone than you do in public life the more you’re acting in public life rather than just living.
So our goal should be to be as free in the world as we are when we’re home alone.
Why this is harder than it sounds is because unlike being home alone, you are not isolated in public – you’re in constant interaction with society and society’s rules. To be free in an isolated environment is easy. But to be free in a sociable and crowded environment filled with ever-changing people, ideas, written and unwritten rules, you’re going to have to constantly be aware of the rules around you, and constantly be in a fight against you’re own human desire to conform or rebel and figure out what you want to do for you (remember, this isn’t about “People will think this or that if I do this or that,” it’s about “What do I think of this or that?”).
This level of being can only be acquired through constant practice and observation. Like how becoming a good writer requires you to be constantly writing and reading. So to with becoming a ‘good person’, you must constantly practice living rather than acting in as many interactions as possible. Practice seeing the message you convey with everything you say and do, practice seeing how others correspond to the messages you’re conveying, but most importantly practice being brave enough to do your own thing in all situations.
The goal is to be the same in both private and public times.
For you’re not truly alive until you stop acting.
photo credit: Frenkieb