Have you heard this story before? If not let me tell you. It’s a beautiful story. Filled with world peace, amazing scientific discoveries, and human compassion… except NOT.
The story starts with our protagonist, the clueless (and horny) guy. He goes out to a club, a party, basically anywhere equally horny and drunk women can be found quickly. Our rising plot, has our protagonist meeting a girl he will most likely have sex with TONIGHT and is thoroughly pleased with himself. Don’t get him wrong, he has NO intention of making this into a relationship because, well, he’s a horny guy. As the story advances we find the guy and party-drunk-girl at her place of residence (house, apartment, dorm, etc.). The guy, being wise and all, remembers to put on a condom before he has sex (genius right?). He has sex, releases, tosses his condom into the trash bin, and with his mission complete sees no point in staying any longer so he dashes out of there as fast as humanly possible. This is where we, as the audience to this whole drama, find out that the party-drunk-girl is actually not THAT drunk when she gets up after he leaves and walks towards the trash bin (the scene slowly fading out).
Confused? Let’s continue.
The story fades back in about nine months later. We find our protagonist enjoying his life, headed for big things, so much opportunities in this world of his! Coincidentally, one day the party-drunk-girl approaches him holding a newborn baby. Absentmindedly he asks her “cute kid, who’s is it?” She answers “Yours!” Our protagonist steps back and instantly denies this with the very core of his being, he used a condom after all (right?). Still in denial they both go and take a paternity test. The results come back a few days later and… drum-roll… HE IS THE FATHER (Jerry Springer cheers and roars heard in the background).
Confused? So is our dear protagonist. But being the kind and manly sort of man that he is he gives up his dreams, starts working about three jobs, supports the child, takes care of them until they grow up, etc. for a number of years. But the thought still lingers in his head every once in a while. How?
Well, one day, in a moment of kindness the party-drunk-girl confesses to him that she wanted a baby with him before he even approached (or even knew of) her. She tells him that after he left, she went and picked the condom from the trash bin, turned it inside out, and used it to get herself pregnant using his sperm (yah, she’s crazy).
This is the part where our protagonist becomes angry, and shocked, and unaccountable for his actions.
THE END.
So what’s the purpose of this provocative story you ask? Well, here’s what our protagonist told me after I heard this story. CARRY A HOT SAUCE PACK WITH YOU. For when you are done having sex with that supposedly one night stand, you’ll want/need to put hot sauce into your used condom. You know… to leave a surprise for that one night stand if they turn out to be the evil-baby-craving-crazy-party-pretending-to-be-drunk type of girl.